Rosemarie,
You say either your heart shows you are worthy of life or it doesn't. Our actions are what God judges us by. Be glad there is yet time to act. I know exactly how how you feel because our backgrounds are similar. Jehovah is lovingly providing this time for all to show repentence and follow Jesus' example.
Don't be so hard on yourself and just be you. The fact that you say you want to know Him shows you are worthy.
Sal